~Life comes to you fast~

                                                                                  Self-Esteem

The popular myth can be heard on any TV talk-show of the “Oprah” variety- the reason you can’t achieve your dreams is not because you don’t “have” any, but because you have low self-esteem. Partially this is true, because people who don’t think they are worth much tend also to think they are unworthy of having any meaningful dreams to pursue, and so they become fatalistic, believing they don’t “deserve” to be any more valued than they are. If they feel trapped in a job with no future and with unsatisfactory relationship options, so it goes, and there is nothing they can do about it because they have low self-esteem.

The problem with the myth can be found in the word “have”. You do not “have” low-self esteem in the sense that you have an arm or a leg, or even the sense of an illness from which you could be cured. It is like having a cup that is empty, and claiming that it can’t be filled because it suffers from having low water-level. What u “have” is not something that is there, but something that isn’t. Not that you “have” low self-esteem, but that you are doing nothing for which to achieve “higher” self-esteem. In other words, rather than filling up that cup, you are taking it for granted that it must remain empty.

Self-esteem is like gasoline- if you don’t put gas in the car, the car won’t run. You can complain that the car is suffering from having low gas-level, but it can’t fill itself, anymore than “self-esteem” can be achieved without effort. It isn’t a “disease” waiting to be cured, but something that is needed to happen. It doesn’t come by wishing of by playing games. If it was easy to get, everyone would have lots of it, and they wouldn’t have anything to talk about on the “Oprah” show. In fact it is hard to get or it wouldn’t be worth much. It comes not only from doing a good job, but one better than most. It comes from being best at something, rather than average about anything. It isn’t something that “comes” to you, but something you have to go out and get.

Spent most of my day snuggling in bed. Called KP and had the day off. Not in my best self to meet clients. I might do more harm than good.

Decided to do some house cleaning. Mainly the boudoir. Rearranged, sweeped, mopped, folded, dusted most items in the room.

While folding, i cried. I cried not because I was sad, or angry, or frustrated, or unhappy. No. I cried because I felt love. I was thinking about the ones I loved. I love them so dearly until it hurts. Do they love me? Do they take the time to think and feel me? Do they feel the same love as I do?

It’s so strange.

I dun want to be left alone. I dun want to grow up lonely.

My love stays with the ones I couldn’t have. You know who you are.

Bye now.

Hey..It has been quite a while. I was busy attending my clients needs during the weekdays and serving my customers during weekends. Hm, life is so much interesting and exciting when u kind of living in 2 different ‘worlds’; in one, I am regarded as the superior, the knowledgable, the problem-solver (yeah…ur rite!). And in the other, I’m the slave (floor mopper, table wiper, etc.), the one been given instructions to, and the one living on tips (ahah!).

Today was inspiring. One of my regular customer gave me flowers! Oh no no no… I’m 101% sure he’s not thinking of dating me or something like that. He is a brilliant, courteous, friendly and down-to-earth visibly challenged person with amazing sense of humor. I served his table a couple times since I first started working. He was always in a gay mood, ordered his food in a well-mannered way and will try his best to brighten up everybody’s day.

His simple kind of life makes me feel so small. Despite his disability, he managed to lead his life independently and with respect. He of all people, have the heart and time to bring me something to lighten up my day. "It’s my way to say thanks to you, Miss Hartini." Oh gosh… even my regular-able-bodied customers will never think of thanking me personally. Usually, I’m the one thanking them for dining in the restaurant (and leaving me handsome tips, ihik!).

Aahh.. to be honest, this is my second bouquet of flowers I received in two weeks. One from a lady client and one from mr. kind. I can’t really express my feelings and thoughts here. I’m speechless. *Starring at the screen for 15 mins*.*Smiling*. I felt honored. Yeah…and in someway, being respected even though I’m a "resident alien", yeah…that’s what we’re labeled here by the US gov. Eventhough my skin is yellow, my nose is not sharp, I have an different accent, and I’m a moslem.. (I sympathize for my frens in London especially, May Allah bless all of us)… there are a tiny number of Americans that saw me as a person with heart and soul.

*Sigh*

Reflecting on all above, I must say that little things like this opened my eyes and soul to see the world in a wider perspective. In Malaysia, I’m the ‘White" community… I may had in the past treated people different than me poorly, unconsciously. Oh God, please forgive me. *Starring again*

Now I need some sleep. To Mr. Kind and Lady Kindness, thank you!

That’s all folks. Till later, bye now!

I’m totally blurred and blinded by the fact that when it comes to love and belonging, the most important grounding base is TRUST.

T.R.U.S.T. is a very simple and common word, used by almost everybody in this world regardless of what character that person is.

As a practicing therapist, trust issues are quite common amongst my clients and I’ve guided most of them to find their own understanding and boundary of trust. But when it comes to my own definition of trust, honestly that’s a tough one.

I’m stuck in a situation where someone that I loved with all my heart and soul robbed my trust away from me. It never came into my mind that this person will have the guts to do it… And for the most part of it, I’m dumbfounded and still in a great shock that I couldn’t think of anything to do next.

Assalamualaikum and Goodday to all my fwens.

This will be my place to spill out my thoughts, ideas, feelings bla bla bla… and is mainly for my own viewing pleasure. You have my consent to read and reflect, and if it comes to the extend that you need to voice out your personal opinion, feel free to do so okay..

I love all of you!

-HaRTiNi-